MANIFEST

You know the moment when you are showering and the temperature of the water actually feels good but you think: it could be a little bit warmer? You turn the thermostat very carefull upwards for a little bit more. And suddenly the water is too warm and you turn the tap in it’s original position. But than the water, that previously felt good, had Now you're swaying between that slightly too hot and slightly too cold water until the end of your shower.


At the end of her life, when the dementia took her over completely, she daily went into her garden. Every day the bruises on her wrists and arms got worse. Because of the dementia she didn’t connect them with pain anymore. She went into her garden to pick flowers. Despite the many beautiful flowers in her own garden she rather picked them in the garden of her neighbour, trough the fence. Such an everyday fence in long rectangles.


The flowers that stood closest were soon flaunting in her porch. But for the flowers who were less easy to reach she had to put her entire arms, up to her armpits, trough the fence. Which she did daily.


My family worried but I never had felt more connected with her. I understood why she had to put her arms trough the fence. She wanted to possess unattainable beauty that was located at the other side. Her whole life she was in love with beauty. Beauty and excitement.


Nerve and a total surender to the need to possess the world at the other side. It was clear to me, by that seemingly childish act of a demented woman, she had lived her whole life with her arms trough the fence reaching for the outside.


In the end, I fight much more with that fence than she did. I'm also constantly rooting my arms ignoring the bruises and contusions.


Do you also sometimes feel that unbearable burden?
Do you sometimes feel the burden of brushing your teeth? That you will do this for the rest of your life, twice a day? I can burst into tears when I brush my teeth.